There is a need for nuanced support services to address the needs of divorced Muslim women and men in our community. This group of divorcees is marginalized due to stigma from cultural and family understandings of divorce, which equates divorce with someone who has failed.
Irrespective of education or status, a divorced Muslim is seen as a contaminant that results in friends and family distancing themselves from them. These divorcees find themselves in a vulnerable place, lonely and looking to put meaning back into their lives. This isolation from their support community can result in divorcees returning to toxic and abusive relationships.
This lack of support can become a vacuum, causing hopelessness and despair. To help members stay away from toxic relationships, we must acknowledge their suffering without judgment, provide them with educational resources so that they may rebuild their lives, and nurture hope back into their brokenness. Creating a place of support protects them from losing faith and allows us to feel a belonging to an extended family network; which can be healing.
“Humans have basic needs and one of them is the need to belong; these needs make us human and give a sense of purpose and identity to our lives” (Brissette, Cohen, & Seeman, 2000; Ryff, 1989).
When a community isn’t inclusive of the divorced population within their congregation and lacks in recognizing their needs, there becomes a feeling of not belonging to their community. “Research has found that close friendships can protect our mental and physical health when times get tough. As we also know, when a person experiences a breakup, the brain processes it similarly to quitting a heroin habit” (Fisher, Brown, Aron, Strong, & Mashek, 2009). Those who believe that breakups are physically painful are correct!
Regardless of how we create a sense of support for our communities, either perceived or received, both facilitate a place of networking that enables a member to feel safe within a community setting. “When bad things happen, it is important for people to know that others care about them and can help them out.” Research has found this is a common thread across cultures (Markus & Kitayma, 1991; Triandis, 1995) and over time (Reis, Sheldon, Gable, Roscoe, & Ryan, 2000). In other words, social support is the active ingredient that makes our relationships particularly beneficial.
Most importantly, our faith creates a system of support by creating communities. “The believing men and the believing women are allies (helpers, supporters, friends, protectors) of one another” (Quran:9:71). Our Prophet promoted community, and his own life and marriage is a light for us to learn from. The stigma and taboo around divorced women have no place within our faith because our Prophet (PBUH) married widows and divorcees. His first wife, Khadija bint Khuwaylid, was a widow tradeswoman who was 15 years older than him. She proposed marriage to him via one of her relatives. His other wives were widowers for whom he took on upholding their dignity and honor. These were our mothers whom he took under his protection (such as Sawda, who was sixty-five years old. Umm Salama, whose previous husband, Abu Salama, was martyred in the Battle of Uhud, left behind four fatherless children. Umm Salama was pregnant with her fifth child at that time and was highly distressed when the Prophet married her. Afterwards, he married Safiyya, Juwayriya, Umm Habiba, Zaynab, and Maymuna, all divorced women. So we can conclude that our Prophet did not have any negative disposition toward divorced or widowed women; on the contrary, he felt the need to protect and honor them.
As we move forward, it’s essential to understand the statistics of divorce within the Muslim population to create reform towards better understanding and support. Today, that rate is increasing. Close to half of marriages started today will end in either divorce or permanent separation. In Canada, the divorce rate is about 37%. “Divorce is on the rise in the Muslim community,” said Imam Mohamed Magid, Vice President of the Islamic Society of North America and Imam and Executive Director of the Dulles, Virginia All Dulles Area Muslim Society (ADAMS) Center.
“We have seen an increase in divorce from people married for a while and those married for a short time,” he said, adding that Muslims across the board are getting divorced in higher numbers. “It is not among a particular race or ethnic background or class or only among the religious or non-religious.” Many American Muslims, as well as many Muslims in other parts of the world, have seen a shift in the viewpoint about divorce in their communities. Whereas divorce once was largely unheard of among Muslim couples, now it’s the opposite.
Some attribute the shift to generational differences, while others cite shifting knowledge about emotional abuse and changes in stigma among the Muslim community. “The most depressing thing for an Imam is to deal with family conflict and divorce because this is not normal. You feel down,” said Imam Ziya Kavakci of the Islamic Association of North Texas and a member of the Fiqh Council of North America. He has served as Imam at his mosque for over two decades and said he sees at least one couple a day who are in conflict, including some who seek divorce. He believes divorce is a “rampant problem” in the Muslim community and that “the Ummah is a mess when it comes to marriage.”
Divorce is a significant disruptor in one’s life and can bring tons of stress—financial, emotional, even spiritual.“The financial implications of divorce can be a sticking point — especially for women. According to one report from the U.S. Government Accountability Office, three women’s household income fell by 41% following a divorce or separation after age 50, while men’s household income dropped by only 23%. With women living an estimated five years longer than men, that dip in income can have serious consequences — which makes the financial decisions women make as they file for divorce all the more important.”
“Understandably, women are concerned about how much of a financial loss would be created by a divorce, as the same income that once supported one household is required to support two. Add to this challenging financial reality legal fees, the uncertainty of how the assets and liabilities would be split, plus alimony and child support questions, and it is no surprise that some women decide just to endure their unhappy situation.”
“The community needs to offer support to people going through difficult times,” advised Salama Abugideiri, a licensed therapist in the Virginia area. “When a couple divorces, they need the community the most. They need to continue to include each person. They’re still individual members of the society. Those children need to feel they’re not being looked down upon just because their parents had problems.” Divorce is a pressing issue in the Muslim community, and admitting the problem exists is the first step in creating a supportive system in each local masjid.
My observation has been that most women stay in toxic, unhealthy relationships because they lack self-worth, self-esteem and financial dependency. The main reasons women stay in abusive relationships are because:
1. Low self-esteem – They don’t believe that anyone other than their current partner would like or love them for who they are.
2. Lack of a support system – Most women lack people to talk to who won’t judge them.
3. Fear of labeling – Society will label them “SINGLES” or “DIVORCEES.”
This all boils down to the lack of a proper support system. In a world where most single women are viewed as contaminants or husband snatchers, it’s difficult for most women to leave an abusive relationship. They would rather stay in an abusive relationship than not be in one at all. The victims of abuse combined with the experience of going through a divorce can make one think that the world has turned against them. This requires that we show our support and commitment to this population by communicating their concerns and educating our communities about the stigmas and taboos that are associated with divorce.
Through women-to-women support, we can rebuild the sense of support, restore dignity, and give hope a chance as they adjust to their new life. Support from women who have experienced similar issues or have successfully adapted to life after divorce makes them ideal persons to be part of a support group. Struggling with the pain of divorce while making sense of the new life they find themselves in is more manageable with support from someone who can empathize from experience. Therefore, it’s of utmost importance to have Care2Elevate.space in our local masjids because as we have pre-marital counseling before marriage we should also have a post-marriage support group for our community members to allow for a stigma-free compassionate community that harnesses its members in challenging times.
Sources:
Berscheid, E., Regan, P. C. (2005). The psychology of interpersonal relationships. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Pearson Prentice Hall.
The Prophet Muhammad’s Marriages | WISE Muslim Women, 2/1/2021.
“Divorce among American Muslims: Statistics, Challenges & Solutions.” Divorce among American Muslims: Statistics, Challenges & Solutions | SoundVision.com, www.soundvision.com/article/divorce-among-american-muslims-statistics-challenges-solutions.
Life After Divorce (for Women): Financial Advice for A Fresh Start (merrilledge.com)